I recently received a nasty comment that has pulled me out of my depressive stupor and caused my fingers to tap the keys like a heavy bag in a gym.
Here is the comment for all to see...
"Public discussion of pornography is not acceptable in 2006, this isn't 1973. You should not be surprised that most people distance themselves. Keep the private private and promote the public and your life will be back on track. It's easy to point at me and call me an *ss, but the reality is that talking about the mechanics of sex is always and 100% going to break up relationships with people raised, you know, 5 miles outside of The Valley or 5 blocks outside of Soho.
Get real, get to know America, the America that took f*cking PE class like a man and used it to help them GROW rather than be a p*ssy about it. That's your secret. That will solve your problems."
Dear Sir or Madam,
I shall respond to your comment one line at a time.
1. "Public discussion of pornography is not acceptable in 2006"
Oh, really? Who says? Certainly not Frank Rich. Mr. Rich, senior contributor to the NY Times says, Porn is "no longer a sideshow to the mainstream...it is the mainstream"
If the internet is the most public place on earth, and porn is the most talked about subject on the internet, where does that leave your theory?
2. "This isn't 1973".
Too bad, the girls were SO much hotter back then. And Julie Andrews did a guest role on Sesame Street!
3. "You should not be surprised that most people distance themselves."
Who do you mean exactly? I find the opposite to be true. But don't take my word for it. Since it's inception in 2004, Demented Tidbits has had 333,910 visitors. With an average daily audience of about four hundred people, that number will grow to 334,000+ by tomorrow morning. That's sure is a lot of people. It pales in comparison however, to my other blog, which is 100% smut. That site often gets ten thousand people in one day and has had more than half a million visitors in the last six months! If people distance themselves from porn, it doesn't show on my hits counter.
4. "Keep the private private and promote the public and your life will be back on track."
Is porn or sex any more private than talking about my mother attempting suicide or my father turning his back on his family? How about me in my underwear? How about the fact that I have irritable bowel syndome or sometimes pee sitting down or sweat profusely from my armpits when I am nervous. I have nothing to hide, but you do. Which brings me to number 5.
5. "It's easy to point at me and call me an *ss"
No, it isn't. For one thing, you have hidden your e-mail and web address. For another, how could I call you an *ss? I tried looking up *ss in the dictionary and couldn't find it. Do you mean ASS? That I could find. It suits you!
6. "...the reality is that talking about the mechanics of sex is always and 100% going to break up relationships with people raised, you know, 5 miles outside of The Valley or 5 blocks outside of Soho."
Always and 100%? If this were true, we'd all be single and friendless. "The Mechanics Of Sex" sounds like a book I'd buy! I'm not alone. "The Joy Of Sex" has sold more than eight million copies since it was written. It spent eleven weeks as the #1 NY Times bestseller and 70 weeks in the top five. I didn't know that many people lived in Soho and the Valley.
7. "Get real, get to know America, the America that took f*cking PE class like a man and used it to help them GROW rather than be a p*ssy about it. That's your secret. That will solve your problems."
Oooh! My favorite sentence thus far. It's just too good to be true. Hmmm...where should I begin?
Get to know America?
The America that took PE class?
Amercians consistently get the lowest PE scores in the world. Childhood obesity is an epidemic. I always hated PE. I say that PE should include masturbation. Then, at least we'd have some upper body strength. But your idea is even better! Fucking PE class. Awesome! Now you're thinking buddy! That'll get those horny teens in shape in no time!
So, to condlude, let me get this straight...
I should use PE class to help me grow?
Let me try it.
I just did twenty push ups!
That's funny...I'm not growing at all.
Let me try it again.
Still six feet tall.
Where did I put that 1973 copy of Huster?
Hey, I'm growing!
Oh, and thanks for calling me a pussy.
I would like to publicly display the following comment from one Miss Tinkerbell. It is so delightful and kind-hearted and wonderful and well...just read it. It's good to have friends.
This message comes from an anonymous: mafioso, ruffian, racketeer, bruiser, crony, desperado and hoodlum. READ: Queen Rat in Donavan's Rat Pack. Pigtailed Pirate. Zany Zookeeper. Fellow-Muppet. Brain.
This message is exclusively directed at DS which is obviously an abbreviation for DicklesS DipShit (not to be confused with DF--short for DollFaced Donavan Freberg.)
This message will attempt to demonstrate that people with sticks up their asses should not be giving advice to geniuses.
This message was written by someone who was raised more than 5 miles outside the Valley (THANK GOD) Oh...and since when is the Valley comparable to Soho? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! Where are you from, DS? Somewhere in the middle, no doubt. We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
Finally, this message was written by an attractive Tinkerbell who has better things to do than waste time trying to convince someone whose name is clearly not Peter to fly. However, since Donavan is most definitely the Pan of all Peters, Tink must come to his defense. Clap! Clap! Clap! If you don't want me to die. If I didn't like Pirates so much DS, I would call you Captain Hook. But, since that doesn't work, let's go with Sir. Smegma.
Here we go:
Dear *ss (ASS...type it out you little fuck!)--
You are obviously:
a) ignorant as a corn-fed cow (you couldn't even begin to compete with the grazing folk)
b) a 40-year-old virgin that would have made Steve Carell turn down the role
c) a lonely pedophiliac PE coach who resents the ones who escaped from the locker room...
d) the anti-christ
e) Dick Cheney's twin brother
f) Augustus Gloop
*Why do I automatically assume that you are male?
Oh! I forgot g) ALL OF THE ABOVE!
And how sad that you have to spend your time insulting a man who is as colorful as a giant gumball machine, as creative as Pippi Longstocking and as loving as your favorite stuffed animal and blanky put together. Perhaps you didn't have a teddy bear... Or loving parents... Or any love in your life whatsoever... That would explain everything. If so, I'm sorry. So sorry. It would be hard for you to understand Donavan if the word LOVE wasn't in your vocabulary.
You wrote, "Public discussion of pornography is not acceptable in 2006, this isn't 1973." As a woman who recently graduated magna cum laude from one our country's finest institutions, I can readily say that public discussion of pornography is most definitely acceptable and exceptional--seeing that I attended several lectures on the very subject...lectures that most definitely were not offered in 1973, thank you very much. Oh and on the subject of 1973... are you implying that we have progressed as a society? No darling, in many ways we would be lucky to flash back to 1973 and steal some aesthetic guidance from the Donavans of the day.
And let me also add that porn is not the problem--especially the artistic and beautiful photographs that Donavan celebrates on his website. Talk about regression, DS! Since when was the female form something to "keep private." Maybe you should ask Durer, Delacroix, Matisse, Cezanne, Klimt, Renoir, Degas (I could go on...I mean, have you ever seen a Greek Statue?) Put it this way...I've got tits. Really fabulous ones. And I think I enjoy Creamsicle as much if not more than the average 15 year old boy would...and that's saying a lot, isn't it?
2006 represents a time when anything is acceptable on a personal blog, DS. Who the fuck forced you to read it? 2006 is a time to stop worrying about the words "acceptable" and "unacceptable" and to start worrying about "BEING." It is the time to stop telling people who they should be and what they should do. It is the time to PLAY and find the future within oneself. It is a time use oneself (including one's quirks and flaws) as a template for creative pursuits.
There is a fine line between private and public, and personally, I would argue, that the line can only be drawn by the master carrying the crayon... So if Donavan wants to talk about his anal canal, the purple crayon is at his disposal... And I don't know about you, but I will probably still read what he has to say... And knowing him, he will move me to laughter or tears or introspection and possibly all three at the same time.
What is not acceptable in 2006 is stiff-assed, Bush-loving (and not the kind of bush that Donavan loves...yeah, like calling him a "p*ssy" is really going to break the skin of one of the world's biggest lovers of the purring underworld. If you want to penetrate, DS, dig deeper...) bastards, who have a problem talking about the mechanics of sex. Holy shit, I feel bad for whoever you're fucking--if you're even lucky enough to be fucking someone. The only thing better than talking about the mechanics of sex is practicing the mechanics of sex--and obviously neither one has produced any sort of ecstatic pleasure for you, or you wouldn't be saying that the topic of sex breaks up relationships as long as you weren't raised in Porn-valley or Posh-Soho. It just doesn't add up douche bag.
The real America does not exist anymore. America is a disaster--and the only thing holding it together are people like Mr. Freberg who remind us what Coca Cola once was and tell us what it should be (let Coca Cola be a metaphor for the state of the country.)
Face it DS, we all have problems. Donavan just reminds us that if we confront those problems, our wounds will heal faster.
Donavan offers us exactly what we need--and he offers us what your born-again friends can't.
What we all need is...Honesty.
Here it is: lack of cynicism. Readers in this country are ready to say goodbye to Dave Eggers and hello to Baby Boy Freberg--that is not to say there isn't a time and a place for sarcasm in any story. But truth and honesty are what fuel what i have read of Donavan's work, and force the reader to stop thinking: "fuck it all." What is unique about his story and his writing is that it is HIS--but also, that it is not glossed over by the post-postmodern apathy that has wounded our generation (even though we may not even be part of the same generation.) That is not to say that it doesn't utilize the tools and language of our generation(s), but it takes experiences, opinions, ideas, emotions and stories that only few readers will be able to relate to and makes it their own without forcing them to loathe themselves because they didn't live it--or because of the inevitable darkness that comes with the light (both in the stories and in their own lives); it demonstrates how much there is to love about life despite the fact that our ships sink every once in a while. Therefore what could have simply been a reverse cinderella story, becomes a wonderful collage that says "keep moving forward, sail across those seas" rather than saying what we have heard over and over again lately: "put down that anchor because we are all stuck and fucked."
Every day I look forward to seeing if Donavan has posted something new on his site. Why? I am not some doting girl who stalks him and wets herself at the thought of his blue sweater in the commercials we all remember. Give me a break. No way. I go to his site everyday because he is an incredible human being with fantastic interests and amazing stories who teaches me to look into myself and sit with what I am feeling.
Let me pose a question DS. Are you completely spineless? I would ask if you were a robot, but I have no doubt that you are nothing of the sort. I love robots! Robots exhibit much more of an understanding of human nature than you do. Do me a favor, DS, go on-line and look up the word "empathy" in the dictionary. In fact, maybe you should check the Encyclopedia.... Donavan can help you out if you don't know where to find a good one.
Don't read the fucking blog if you have a problem with any of these basic things: FUN, love, laughter, humanity, compassion, genius, crazy, sad, play, toys, vagina.
In addition, you might want to stay away if you don't understand the benefits of: playing on the swings, eating ice cream, blowing bubbles, muppets, finger painting, flowers, indecent proposals, paradoxes, swimming, luxury, woody allen...etc.
And listen buster, if you don't like caffeine, or Coca Cola or Superman, no one is going to throw decaying banana peels in your direction or tell you that they don't love you like your parents may have loved you. But understand that this blog IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about a man called Baby--and if you read the other comments on this blog, you will see how many people it has touched.
Don't tell Donavan how to solve his problems. No one has that right but Donavan. Stick with your own problems DS and maybe, just maybe you will evolve into less of a dipshit.
Finally, HOW DARE YOU post this message on the blog Donavan dedicates to his own lost-Superman. HOW DARE YOU try to strike Donavan with Cryptonite. Thank god his love is not so easily stolen and thank god he is more of a super hero than Superman. Cryptonite is useless. Give up.
Donavan will teach his future son how to fly without falling and how to find happily ever after through love. I look forward to seeing the pair of Wizards work their magic together.
DS, learn how to love yourself. And others. Or, get a life and stay away from this wonderful online empire of demented tidbits.